Ditching Mom Guilt, with Christi Davis Coaching
We were so lucky to have Christi Davis join us last week on IG Live! She took us through three steps to ditch “mom guilt.” If you missed it, listen to the full podcast episode HERE (episode #11) or jump over to the Sleep Fairy’s IG TV to watch the replay. Otherwise, feel free to read the recap here!
The Role Guilt Plays in Our Lives
Feeling guilty is a lot of extra weight we carry around as moms. Sometimes guilt can pretend to feel helpful, making us think that somehow we will use it to become better than we were before. But the opposite is actually true! When we feel guilty, we are beating ourselves up, and it actually makes us less likely to be the moms we want to be. So how do we ditch this guilt so we can focus on what’s truly important?
1. Observe and Recognize Your Thoughts
Experts say we have an average of approximately 50,000 thoughts throughout the day. The first step Christi talked about was that although our brains are powerful tools, they don’t always tell us the truth. Not everything our brain offers us is equally valuable. It can give us very helpful information one minute, and the next minute it can provide a thought that is not valuable at all.
One thing we need to remember is that WE are the supervisors of our brains. We have the power and the responsibility to decide which thoughts we want to keep. For example, if we have the thought, “Being a good mom means that I am 100% focused on my kids all the time,” then we will feel guilty for doing anything that doesn’t focus on our kids (which is impossible!). When we recognize this thought coming into our heads, we as the supervisor can say, “This thought is NOT TRUE, and we need to get rid of it!” We let the productive, helpful thoughts stick around, while the discouraging thoughts get kicked to the curb. Who has time for discouragement as a mom—it just keeps us from progressing!
Although it sounds easy to get rid of these less-than-valuable thoughts, how can we recognize them in the first place? Christi recommended getting out a piece of paper and setting it on the kitchen counter and writing down any thoughts you have during the day. Then throughout the day, or at the end of the day, you can process each one and decide if it is helpful (and gets to stick around), or if it is useless (your opinion has been noted, and you’re gone). Being the supervisor of your brain takes work and practice, but gets easier with time.
2. Set a Concrete Finish Line
Who defines “enough?” So many of us struggle with the concept of “being enough,” but who marks that finish line? There is no such thing as being enough! Your brain will let your to-do list go on forever if you let it. Christi used the example of running a marathon. Once you get to 26.2 miles, you’re finished, right? Well, your brain might look at you and say, “You’re still alive, and your heart is still beating, so how about you keep going?” That’s cruel and wrong!
YOU as the supervisor get to set a limit. YOU get to define what is enough! “Enough” will look different at different stages of your life. Jessalyn mentioned that when she has a baby, her list of “being enough” includes (1) keeping her kids alive, (2) feeding them three meals, and (3) making sure their teeth are brushed before they go to bed—which Christi believes is a bonus! Make sure you are realistic for every stage and season. If you decide “being enough” includes never losing patience with your kids, you will never be enough because that’s not realistic.
Christi then focused on a user comment: “I feel guilty because I didn’t try hard enough to breastfeed.” In this case, who defines trying hard enough? Is this sweet mom letting what she’s heard in society dictate “how hard” she should have tried? The best way to feed your baby is the way that works for YOU. No one else can make you feel bad for that choice unless you let them. (See The Sleep Fairy’s “Fed is Best” highlight on Instagram for more on that.)
3. Use Guilt as an Alarm Clock
Now let’s talk about guilt being used for good: as an alarm clock. When you are feeling guilty, your brain is making you aware of a potential conflict, or to alert you that something could be going wrong. Sometimes you need to make no change and turn off the alarm, and sometimes change is necessary before turning that alarm off.
Making No Change and Turning Off the Alarm
For example, when Christi had three little kids at home, she asked her sister to come over 3x’s per week to watch them so Christi could go to the gym. And every time she left the house, she would feel guilty. Her brain was telling her there could be a conflict between things that she values! In this situation, she valued (1) her kids being loved, safe, and cared for, and (2) her own physical health. Doing her job as the supervisor of her brain, she told her brain that just because she was going to the gym doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love her kids. They were safe and cared for, and she would be back! Once she straightened that out, she had the power to TURN OFF that alarm.
Making Change, Then Turning Off the Alarm
Jessalyn chimed in with an example of when her guilt caused her to implement a positive change in her life. Obviously as The Sleep Fairy, she has a lot of responsibility! She feels called and inspired to help moms everywhere to teach their babies to sleep. On the other hand, she has four children of her own at home who need her time and attention. She felt guilty for working and taking time away from her kids, but she felt guilty abandoning her community.
She discussed it with her husband, and they decided to hire a babysitter twice a week for a few hours. This way, she could spend some dedicated, uninterrupted time with her work, then jump back in and be the mom she wants to be when the babysitter leaves. She no longer feels like each job has half of her. So, she made a decision and moved forward, and NOW she can turn the guilt alarm off since it has served its purpose!
Another Example of Feeling Guilty
A few questions came in at the end of the Live, one being “I feel guilty that my toddler is left out, I just had a baby!” Christi and Jessalyn talked about how this is completely normal for a toddler to feel left out at first, and that it is actually healthy for their development. Otherwise, they would be spoiled from having their mother’s attention 100% of the time! Allow them space to learn to feel and recognize their emotions, since this will be a tool they will need for the rest of their lives. See it as a teaching opportunity instead of a guilt trip opportunity, and you will see it get better with time. Make a decision and move forward, and turn the guilt alarm off in the meantime!
Finding Christi Davis
We were so grateful to host Christi on The Sleep Fairy Instagram, and we hope to see more of her in the future! If you are interested in getting a copy of her “Turning Off the Guilt Alarm” worksheet, you can find her on Instagram @christidaviscoaching. Send her a DM and she is happy to share!